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Dumber and Dumbest

Anyone who works with the public knows that dumb questions are a way of life. I worked at Centennial Lanes in Longmont, Colorado. The phone rings consistently, and I get a lot of dumb questions. Here is a list of some of the questions and the answers I've given. If the answer is bolded and in italics, it's an answer I wanted to give but couldn't, for obvious reasons.

CALLER: “How do I get there?”
ME: I guess that depends on where you're starting from, huh?

CALLER: “I'm in Boulder, what's the best way to get there?”
ME: “A car.”

CALLER: “I'm on Main Street. Which way do I turn on 9th Ave?”
ME: “That depends on where on Main you are and which way you're heading.”

CALLER: “How do I get there?”
ME: “Where are you?”
CALLER: “I'm on US 36.”
ME: US 36 is 120 miles long and runs from Denver to Estes Park. Could you be a little vaguer?

For some reason, people in Boulder think no matter where they call, everyone in the world should automaticly know they live in Boulder.

CALLER: “How do I get there?”
ME: “Where are you at?”
CALLER: “Boulder.”
ME: You know, Boulder is not the center of the universe. Most people would not know you're in Boulder.

CALLER: “Where are you located?”
ME: “On 9th Ave, between Main and Lashley.”
CALLER: “Where's that?”
ME: Let me guess, you're from Boulder, huh? (And 99% of the time, they are from Boulder)

CALLER: “How do I get there from Superior, Colorado?”
ME: “I'm sorry I don't know where Superior is.”
CALLER: “It's just outside of Layfette.”
ME: “From Layfette, go north on 287 into Longmont, then turn right on 9th Ave.
CALLER: “How long will it take me to get there?”
ME: “It will take about 20 minutes from Layfette. I don't know how long it's going to take you to get from Superior to Layfette.” If I don't know where Superior is, how in the world could I know how long it's going to take you to get here!

Sometimes people call wanting to know about our open bowling times, but they don't know the correct terms to use.

CALLER: Do you have free bowling today?
ME: No, I'm sorry, we always charge to bowl here.

Once a year we have SUPER WEEKEND, and all games are 50 cents.

CALLER: I heard you have special bowling today.
ME: No, it's regular bowling, just like always. It's the price of the games that's special.

Centennial is on 9th Ave (if you haven't guessed by now) and 9th runs east and west.

CALLER: I'm on 9th Ave right now, which way should I go?
ME: Well, before I can tell you that, I need to know where on 9th you are and which way you're heading?
CALLER: I just passed Sunset and I'm heading north.
ME: Well, if I was you I'd make a quick right, because just after you hit the curb you're going to plow into a house.

(Time of day – Noon)
CALLER: Do you have open bowling today?
ME: Yes, until 11 o'clock.
CALLER: 11 tonight?
ME: Seeing as we have past 11 in the morning, I would guess 11 o'clock means tonight, wouldn't you think so Einstein?

Sometimes I get the old prank call – Do you have 16-pound balls? How do you put your pants on? I love messing it up for them.

CALLER: Do you have 16-pound balls.
ME: Yes, we have 16-pound bowling balls available for public use.
CALLER: um…um…okay, thank you.
They never know what to say to that.

One of the guys that used to work there gave some one this answer:

CALLER: Do you have 16-pound balls?
OTHER GUY: Yes.
CALLER: Then how do you get your pants on?
OTHER GUY: Normally your mother helps me after I'm done with her.

When we do birthday parties, we have two options. One package comes with 2 pizzas. When the people call, they are trying to figure out how many people the two pizzas will feed. But not one of them ever asks the right question (which should be how big are the pizzas).

CALLER: How many slices are in the pizza?
ME: I guess that depends on how I cut it, huh? It could be two, or if I really go postal, it could be a thousand.

You gotta love this guy! In a 2-minute conversation, he asked me this question 5 times.

CALLER: How much is shoe rental?
ME: $1.75
CALLER: And when I'm done bowling, will I get my money back?
ME: No sir, it is a rental charge.
CALLER: Oh, so is it refundable?
ME: No, it is not refundable. It is a charge for renting the bowling shoes.
CALLER: So does that mean I won't get my money back for the shoes?
ME: When you rent a house, do you get your money back when you move out? NO! That's why it's called a rental CHARGE!

CALLER: How much is shoe rental?
ME: $1.75
CALLER: Each?
ME: Yeah, that's it. $1.75 for the right shoe, and another $1.75 for the left shoe.

CALLER: How much is shoe rental?
ME: $1.75
CALLER: What if I only have one foot?
ME: Sorry, it's still $1.75.
CALLER: That's not fair, I'm only using one shoe.
ME: The shoes come in pairs, and whether you use one or two, it's still the same price. But I'll tell you what, if you can find someone who is missing the opposite foot, I'll give you both one pair and only charge you $1.75.

CALLER: How much is bowling?
ME: It's $2.50 a game for under 21 and $3.00 for adults.
CALLER: Well, it's just a friend and me. How much will it cost?
ME: I guess that would depend on how old you are and how many games you plan on bowling.

The next two questions aren't really dumb questions, but I'm a smartass, so sometimes I give answers like this.

CALLER: How much is a game of bowling?
ME: 10 frames.

CALLER: Can you tell me exactly where you're located?
ME: About 2 feet from the phone.

CALLER: Do you know when your open bowling is for tonight?
ME: Of course I do. I work here. If I didn't know, I'd probably get fired.

CALLER: Can I ask you a question?
ME: You just did. Would you like to ask another one?

CALLER: When do you have open bowling?
ME: I have open bowling until 6 and then again after 9.
CALLER: So you have open bowling between 6 and 9?
ME: No, between 6 and 9 is the only time we don't have open bowling. So if the little hand is anywhere between the 6 and 9, don't come in.

CALLER: When do you have open bowling on Sunday?
ME: We have open bowling all day, from 9 am to 11 pm.
CALLER: How busy will you be at 4?
ANSWER 1 – ME: I'm not sure, but here's how you can tell. Get out the phone book and call everyone one in Boulder, Longmont, Layette, Lyons and Loveland and ask them if they plan on going bowling at 4 o'clock. Subtract the number of people who say yes from 32, for the number of lanes we have. Then you'll know how busy we'll be.
ANSWER 2 – ME: I don't know, but I'm sure if you call the psychic hotline, they will know. Would you like that number?

CALLER: What is your address?
ME: 110 East 9th Ave.
CALLER: And what's your phone number there?
ME: What did you do? Just call random numbers until you found us?

Because of our automatic scoring system, we can put up to 6 people on a lane. And if we're really busy, we don't give out 2 lanes to groups of less than 6 people.

CALLER: Can I reserve 2 lanes for tonight?
ME: How many people are in your party?
CALLER: I don't know how many people we will have.
ME: Then how do you know how many lanes you need?